“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.