Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.