Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.