The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
God, I love Scotland
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.