succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
happy valentine’s day to me
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Ha.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?