Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Just grow your own
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?