My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Who chose this font
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy