*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
that colleague who touches your screen
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam