Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
we’re dead?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.