[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
You Might Also Like
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Google Pay be like:
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.