asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will