Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.