I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
estão todos miauvindo?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A drum solo but on your face.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42