My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Not all heroes wear capes….
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂