Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You Might Also Like
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
hmmm
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.