[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that鈥檚 what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
鈥淲hy KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I shouldn鈥檛 have to go to work if it鈥檚 rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn鈥檛 lived it down.
I鈥檝e been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can鈥檛 use it anymore and it doesn鈥檛 really get much better than a national lockdown
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
7yo: Who鈥檚 older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa鈥檚 not real.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials