Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
December birthdays be like…
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.