As the best book lists of 2021 drop
You Might Also Like
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
#SaturdayBears
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
it’s finally my moment to shine
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit