But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
There are usually two types of merchants.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy