Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Venn
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.