Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”