[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day