Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Wait a second…
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna