My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.