motivation
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YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
They’re the worst 😩
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.