“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what