[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
You Might Also Like
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
your honor my client chooses dare
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.