when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
thanksgiving in nutshell
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.