Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?