*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
what’s more important?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.