Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I hope they boil the right one.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.