I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Respect
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
so much to do
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.