I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free