Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Great game to play with friends
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.