Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?