Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year