Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.