I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You Might Also Like
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂