Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You Might Also Like
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
No Google it does not
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.