[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
This is the best one I’ve seen
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The Weeknd is back
A bold strategy
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Worth a try
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost