wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.