Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I think we should hear other voices.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.