What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The Onion called it…again.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
plums roundup
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*