me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
You Might Also Like
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
sleeping beauty
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.