Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
What do you hear?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.