HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Harsh but fair
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
How your email finds me
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever