Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Trying
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”