me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
2022: I can fix it
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊