I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Have kids, they said
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”