Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!